Well, last week I began my sophomore year of college (although technically I'm 7 hours away from being a junior, thanks to 15 hours of AP credit and 6 hours of summer school this summer).
I'm pretty sure I'm already behind in my classes. No, I'm DEFINITELY sure. Never again will I take 16 hours of super-demanding courses without a single blow-off credit in sight. And technically I had no "homework" to do for tomorrow's classes, so it isn't that big of a deal that I am sitting in my apartment at 3am reflecting upon my life. But I still have mounds of other tasks looming over my head. I have so much to do, and so little time. I just cannot seem to bring myself to do them, and I think it is because I have too much swirling around in my head right now (which would probably make some sense of the random flow of topics that this post will inevitably follow).
I missed the second orchestra rehearsal of the year due to a monstrous 3-day migraine, then missed the third rehearsal because I had a 102-degree fever from a cold and couldn't hold my violin up to my neck due to swollen glands. And I'm principal first violin. My biggest fear is that physical ailments like these will inevitably threaten my fulfilment of the Baylor attendance policy. But I guess I can only cross the bridges in front of me.
I plan to apply for the Crane Scholars Program. It seems to me an answer to prayer. A community of Christian intellectuals. I had a dream the other night in which someone told me my future husband would be part of it too. I know better than to believe everything my dreams tell me, though.
I am unbelievably homesick right now, but I don't think I am homesick for Oklahoma City. I went back home to OKC over Labor Day weekend and was still homesick there, and I don't think I was homesick for Baylor. Is it possible that I am homesick for a home I have not yet found? Perhaps I am homesick for my future family. I believe that is at least partially true.
I have no idea how I will be voting in this presidential election. My man Ron Paul was buried by the media, and I just don't feel I can vote for anyone else with such a clear conscience. Yet I do not seem to have time to research anything. Maybe I'll devote some of my facebook time or my sleep time to looking up Bob Barr, the Libertarian candidate...
I crave deep, meaningful friendships right now, especially with some guys. But something always seems to get in the way. I know I tend to form friendships as extensions of other friendships (sample format: Friend A introduces me into Person B, whom I get to know as I spend time with Friend A, until Person B becomes Friend B). Unfortunately, living in Memorial last year only exposed me to the friendship of other girls. And these girls only seem to know other girls. Evan is my only legitimate guy friend right now, but even then I think I freak him out sometimes... exactly because he IS my only guy friend.
I love that my mom ordered PediPaws after viewing the infomercial.
Maybe I'll finally get into basketball now that Oklahoma City has an official NBA team, the OKC Thunder. Andrew and I at least plan to go see the home game on my birthday this December.
I really praise God for the wonderful friend he has given me in my cousin Andrew. (I think I had my roommate Jess calculate it for me, and he is my first cousin twice removed? Or second cousin twice removed? All I remember is that he is some kind of cousin twice removed. But anyway... back to my point). I am not sure how I would function without him. Even if we only talk electronically because I am 300 miles to his south.
And why is it that all my good guy friends seem to be long-distance friendships? I have grown to really admire my mom's former coworker Vinoj (to whom she betrothed me). And even though he worked with her for over a year, we never actually spoke to each other until this summer. And now that he has moved to Los Angeles, he is becoming a good friend.
I want a husband. And I want to start having children soon, even if during my undergraduate years. I could handle the stress, and if I were to do this, my children would be in preschool or Mother's Day Out while I am pursuing my Ph.D. It's such a smart plan. It just lacks my husband.
I still suffer from the exact same vices. But at the same time, I think I am healing from the wounds I always used to invite. Even if I do occasionally pull off the scab.
I really miss my little sisters. I miss my whole family, but I especially miss Lorelei and Gretchen. I really am glad Gretchen is going to be driving through here in a few weeks.
I am beyond ecstatic about the Hanson concert September 19 at the Oklahoma State Fair. I have never been to a Hanson Concert in my nearly 12 years of being a humongous fan.
I got Andrew hooked to Derek Webb. Andrew texted me last night and told me that DW would be playing at Oklahoma Christian November 7, but he didn't know what time the concert was. I looked on DW's website, and to my surprise, November 8 Derek Webb will be at COMMON GROUNDS in WACO, TX!!! And on top of that, WATERDEEP is also headlining. Waterdeep has become my new favorite band (I know, I have several "all-time favorites", but please bear with my zeal). I especially like Lori Chaffer's solo stuff. I know that looking forward to this concert will definitely help bring me to the end of the semester still holding onto my sanity.
Oh, and Evan and I will be taking a trip at the end of October down to the Woodlands to see Derek Webb, Sara Groves, and others in concert. I am excited to actually be able to see Derek Webb twice in one semester.
Can you see why I have designated this current era of my life as "confusion"?